


The Pissing Tree and other stories

by orphan_account



Series: TF2 Oneshots [1]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Brace yourselves, Gen, just a lot of nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-13 19:31:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4534500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Writing prompts for shits and giggles, basically~<br/>A collection of nonsense that spurts from my brain on an almost daily basis. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pissing Tree

**Author's Note:**

> So this was asked by my friend on Tumblr and I have posted it on Tumblr but I figured I may as well save it here too :3
> 
> Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Feral Sniper walking past a tree + remembering it as his piss tree while Engie is like “that is not something to be proud of please I am never touching this tree again we are cutting it down”"

Engineer sighed as he stared at Sniper, the taller man just grinning from where he’d picked up an injured animal and snapped its neck, a look of absolute disbelief on his rounded, sun tanned face. He couldn’t believe this. They’d only gone out for a simple walk into the forests nearby! That was all they’d done! They’d left the Sawmill fortress on their day off and gone for a wander by themselves, just him and Sniper and no one else to worry about. The Texan had thought it was going to be peaceful and, boy, had he been wrong. Sniper had been quiet for a long while and originally Engie had thought it was because he was finally relaxed enough to the point he didn’t need to speak to defend himself. Sure the others had their doubts about him, but Engie knew Sniper was a good bloke. There wasn’t a bad bone in his body, save for when they’d actually  _found_  him in the first place just wanderin’ the desert like he had been back at Teufort. That had been a much harder time trying to coax the feral into acting civil since it was difficult in itself to coax anything older than eleven years old into doing anything differently let alone a thirty year old. Still, they’d managed it regardless of the fight Sniper had put up regularly against them and in spite of the amount of times he’d tried to run away again (the smell of offerings of fresh, raw meat always brought him back), Sniper had ‘pulled through in the end’ as Medic always put it.

Now they were wandering aimlessly together, just the truckie and the van driver alone together amidst the trees of the forests around Sawmill and surprisingly it wasn’t raining for once. It was actually rather sunny and it made Sniper turn and grin.

“Y’know, I can’t help but wonder how I made it from ‘ere to Teufort as a feral.” Sniper remarked, sharpened canines on show as he looked down at the inventor.

“Yeah?”

“Yeh.”

Silence lapsed between them again with only birdsong to fill the gap and that suited them just fine if they were honest. Sniper’s thoughts turned to what he’d said and he hummed a little, thinking deeply about it. It actually did shock him at how well he’d survived by himself with only wild animals for company for as long as he did, though most animals he encountered were as feral as he was and it showed with the amount of scars he bore on his body from the fighting he’d endured. It would seem that he was rather tough and though it didn’t always felt like it, Sniper couldn’t shake the feeling that sometimes being ‘civilised’ was making him soft in ways he’d hoped he’d never be. Ah well, he rather liked it most of the time and enjoyed actually being capable of _speech_  for once in his life even if he found it a little challenging at times at present. Nevertheless, Sniper liked it for what it was and it was grand to him. Life was grand; he had a job, a  _purpose_ , and it filled him with a sense of completion and it made him all the more prouder when he considered how far he’d come from being feral and in the forests of Sawmill, to the desert plains of Teufort by some strange chance and then back at Sawmill again. It almost felt like he was home in a way and it tugged at his heartstrings a little, especially when he stopped in front of a rather specific tree.

“Hm? Eh, Slim? Y’alright there buddy?” Engie frowned, looking up at the Australian who’d stopped rather abruptly and stopping beside him.

“Uh… yeh I’m fine mate… jus’ this tree.” Sniper grinned faintly, soon laughing softly and giggling to himself. “Well I never thought I’d see this one again!” Engineer appeared rather confused, raising a brow.

“Wait what? This tree? How d’ya mean, stretch? Are ya sure the sun ain’t getting’ to ya?” Engie laughed softly, watching Sniper move over to the tree and run his weathered fingers over its discoloured bark.

“Ah shut it ya mongrel!” Sniper laughed a little, shaking his head and smiling fondly. “Nah mate I remember this tree, I used tah piss up it all the time!” Engineer’s smile vanished, replaced instead with a look of utter  _horror_  at what the man was saying.

“Ya… Ya mean ya used tah… tah  _piss_  all up that there tree?!” Engie gawked, eyes the size of saucers as he stared and almost gagged. “Hell, that’s disgustin’!”

“Nah it ain’t! If you were feral where would you go fer a piss, eh?” Sniper defended, crossing his arms slightly and huffing. “It’s perfectly natural! Well, fer me anyway.”

“Slim, that is just wrong on so many levels!” Engineer groaned, shuddering visibly as he stared at the vaguely discoloured bark where no doubt that was where he’d pissed all over it.

“Nah it ain’t!” Sniper growled firmly, glaring down at the Texan in growing irritation at how  _rude_  he was being, or so it felt like. “It ain’t wrong at all! I had tah piss somewhere and it just so happened to keep on being this here tree! Like, c’mon mate its weird fer me tah have tah have tah go to a toilet!”

“Alright, alright! Just… It’s just hard fer me to imagine you actually… y’know. Considerin’ how you are now compared to how we found you…” Engie shook his head, apologising a little once Sniper had calmed down considerably.

“Nah just… Yeah anyway.”

“Yeah you know we’re chopping this tree down right?” That earnt a completely murderous look in itself.

“Nah you ain’t.”

“Yeah I am. Just watch me, slim.” A growl at that one.

“I will rip you apart if you dare touch it.” Engineer snorted, shaking his head.

“Yeah? Bet ya couldn’t. Or wouldn’t, fer that matter.” He grinned, challenging the once-feral though a corner of his mind was screaming that it was such a bad idea, to abort the mission.

“Maybe I wouldn’t rip ya apart, mate, but damn I could really bring the hurt in a much slower manner if ya wanted.” Sniper said, completely serious as Engie paled slightly before the two burst out laughing. They were such good friends together and they rarely ever fell out in any way shape or form, so it did them good to just joke about like that.

“But seriously though, touch my tree and I’ll kill ya. All of ya.”


	2. The Pen

2) _“The pen hadn’t been worth stealing…”_

 

The pen hadn’t been worth stealing, Scout thought to himself as he was currently hiding from a particularly furious German’s wrath behind a stack of crates. All he’d done was fill out a dare Spy of all mercs gave him: steal Medic’s pen. Now he was in deep trouble as he just happened to steal the doc’s _favourite_ and most _precious_ pen – Scout was a dead man walking currently and it was all he could do to hold in small noises of utter terror as he could hear the footfalls of _someone_ approaching. The young man’s heart was a bass drum in his chest and his mouth had gone dry; he could even hear his heart and his blood rushing in his ears. Scout was so going to die – Respawn or no Respawn, that German was going to ensure his death.

Suddenly the footfalls stopped right beside the crates behind which Scout was hiding and about to urinate himself. Palpable silence fell over the room and the Boston lad covered his mouth with his hands in an attempt to completely muffle all sounds from himself. The footsteps then picked up again and his heart raced faster – they were getting closer and closer and-

“ _AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!_ ”

A large hand clamped down on Scout’s thin shoulders and by God did Scout scream in such a way one would have thought there had been a murder. The batter jumped up and struggled, believing them to be Medic in all his fury and even when a firm Russian accent met his ears, Scout still didn’t calm.

 _“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Spy dared me to steal ya pen! I didn’t know it was ya favourite!”_ Scout panicked, flailing and struggling with tears starting to stream down his tan cheeks. Amidst his panic he only just noticed the laughter that had started up. He opened his eyes and saw Heavy, Medic, Spy and a _camcorder_. They’d set him up!

“Ach, Herr Shcout, you dummkopf!” Medic cried, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes as he walked over with the biggest grin painting his face.

“You set me up?!” Scout all but screeched, eyes wide and one twitching as he handed the pen back.

“Ja! We were all in on this little prank from the moment you pranked us last week!”

“Oui, mon ami, the good doctor here in fact suggested this very idea!” Spy roared with laughter as he held the camcorder and soon shut it off. Scout’s cheeks were bright crimson and burned in embarrassment – they’d gotten him good, he’d have to go one better now.

“Ah, before you plan your revenge, Shcout,” Medic said, holding back giggles as he gestured to the boy’s trousers. “You might want to clean yourself up.”


	3. Ignorance

_3) Ignorance_

 

_“They ignore you.”_

“Shut up!”

_“They don’t care for you…”_

“They do! Leave me alone!”

_“They don’t! When was the last time they made sure you were okay?! When was the last time they helped you?! Defended you?! DIED for you?!”_

“I… nein… you lie…”

_“I’m you. I don’t lie. I’m the side of you that doesn’t lie! But you! You lie! To yourself!”_

“I don’t... they… nein they care, they do!”

_“NO THEY DON’T! THEY THINK YOU’RE MAD! A FREAK! A MURDERER! YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE!”_

**“Doc…? Are ya alright…?”**


End file.
